Why I Haven’t Posted Lately…Losing My Son

It’s been a long time since I’ve last posted and I’ve had ALOT going on. First there was Christmas (obviously everyone is super busy during that time). Then, my husband and I found out we were pregnant with our first child in January. It was an unplanned but very welcome pregnancy. In April we went on a family vacation in Florida and May we found out the gender of our sweet baby. We went to the gender reveal ultrasound and told the technician NOT to tell us the gender but rather write it down in a sealed envelope. I gave the sealed envelope (without looking at it) to my neighbor Paige who filled a box up with balloons that would correspond to the baby’s gender (pink for girl, blue for boy). Here are some pictures from the party…

Hair Bows or Bow Ties?
Hair Bows or Bow Ties?
It's a Boy!!!All Smiles :)
It’s a BOOOOOOYY!!! I was betting that it was a boy and my husband was convinced it was a girl. Mama’s always right 🙂
That day was one of the happiest in my entire life. We were surrounded by family and friends and lots of love. After everyone had left, late that night was the first time I felt the baby kick (with my hand) laying on my stomach. I remember being really excited for that because if Mike had his hand on my stomach at the right moment he would be able to feel our son finally.

Our party was on a Friday night and the following Thursday we had another ultrasound that basically took all of our hopes and dreams for the future and crushed them. We were sent to a specialist that told us our son was very sick and basically every system in his entire body was effected. Something went wrong very early on in the pregnancy and was not a result of anything my husband and I did. The baby was missing organs, some organs were connected to one another, some organs were weeks behind in development, many were malformed and basically the baby was not going to live.

I was 20 weeks pregnant when I was officially put on “high risk” status and I left work and stayed home. We had 2 more ultrasounds before we lost the baby when I was 22 weeks. Between 19 and 22 weeks was the most stressful time in my life. There was many ups and downs, hope that maybe things would turn around, quickly followed by another ultrasound that took the hope away. Each ultrasound we received news worse than the information we had before it, until May 25th, when Luca went back to God.

My husband and I still wanted to honor our son and remember him so we decided to name him Luca Michael. We will make sure any future children we have know about their big brother and just how much love and happiness he brought to our lives. This is my last picture with my son and I absolutely cherish it. 22 weeks
I am a spiritual person and do believe in signs that our loved ones are still with us. After we lost our son we went into a “show house” (which was very high end and completely furnished and decorated.) We walked through the entire house and went into the last bedroom which was decorated for a boy. In large letters on the wall was the name LUCA. For mother’s day this year my husband gave me yellow roses (2 bouquets of them). I’ve always loved yellow roses. After we lost Luca I told my husband I wanted to plant some yellow roses in the garden in honor of Luca. Just today he told me he went into a client’s office and they asked how I was and how the baby was (they didn’t know we lost him). Mike explained that we lost the baby and for some reason mentioned the yellow roses he gave me for Mother’s Day. The woman he was speaking to said, “That’s so funny that you mentioned yellow roses. Just today we got a delivery by mistake of yellow roses and we weren’t able to catch the delivery driver before he drove off.” So, I still talk to baby Luca and tell him in my head how much I love and miss him and maybe these things are his way of saying he loves us back.

It has now been a little over 2 weeks since we lost Luca and I still cry almost every day. I’ve been trying to stay busy and keep my mind occupied. I’ve spent alot of time in the garden and I’ll post some pictures of that soon. We started the front landscaping and that’s almost complete as well so I’ll post that. And as soon as I get around to cleaning the basement I’ll post the pictures of that because it’s basically complete. But anyhow, that’s what I’ve been up to and now that some time is passed I’m ready to get back into some of the things that bring happiness to my life which includes blogging and working on my house.

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